I’m living in a sort of limbo.

I can feel my ninety-six year old mother’s state of being to be mild misery.  I say mild because she accepts her present medical condition, and she has lived a long, wonderful life.  Misery comes out of the fact that she would never want to live like this.  I know that because she has a DRN and has stated many times what she wants.  But it’s not gotten to the point where a DNR takes effect. She’s just slowly losing abilities. Correction.  She has slowly lost abilities.  Now there are few left to lose. We are now caring for her the same way you care for a baby, and she would never choose that. And, while the bodily functions are failing, he mind is still pretty clear.  That makes it so much worse.  But we are caring for her with love. I hope she feels that. I hope she will take to whatever-is-next the feeling that love trumps ego, and the willingness to experience that is a form of spiritual growth.  Growth that will send you into the whatever-is-next with a richer understanding of empathy.  Empathy is the soul’s greatest gift.

Anyway, it’s all very difficult.  Limbo.  I’m doing weird things.  Creativity feels stunted, mostly because my focus is all over the place.  I’m re-editing videos, watching movies, fixing my crashed drone, filling orders if I get them,  catching up on simple things.  I would like to be working on my screenplay, or designing a fall/holiday line.  But I just don’t have it in me.  I’m basically in wait-mode, caring for my mom while she lives, loving her for every moment we have together, oddly feeling guilty every time I say I love you, thinking that she might defy her own desires and stay alive to serve those three words.

I’ve been very lucky.  I’ve had such wonderful parents.  And mom will be so happy if she can find my dad it whatever-comes-next.